She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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