Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I want to fling myself into the sun
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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