I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
