Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We are all done wearing pants today
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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