Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
