it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
