3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
