This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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