I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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