so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
