Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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