I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
