Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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