I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
