I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
