well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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