Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
