Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
