i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
