ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think my vagina is haunted
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I deserve this hangover.
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