Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
