I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
