I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
