just survived the first fart of the relationship.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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