you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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