im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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