please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
