the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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