I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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