I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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