I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
