He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
