And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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