she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
