Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
