dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Houston, we have a squirter
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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