Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I love you. Go after that dick
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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