well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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