So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
