The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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