cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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