made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Randomize
