How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
