So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
