take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
