There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My dad just said "fuck circus"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
