Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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