Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
