My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
and you fell through a lawn chair
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
