his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
