Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
